TELL ME WHAT TO DO! The Confidence Coaching Dilemma

Why confidence coaching isn't about having the answers.

Believe me, there is a real pull to want to solve things for some clients, particularly when they are struggling and so overfed with challenges that they can't see clearly yet. Of course you want to say, "What if you do this?" or "Have you thought about trying that?" You can often see a possible route forward. You can imagine something that might help.

But often it's in those stuck moments that what feels like help is actually a hindrance.

It hinders future growth. It hinders self-solutionising. It offers the other person your opinions, judgements and belief system and in doing so can interrupt their own process of discovery.

This isn't unique to coaching, it happens in all sorts of relationships. We want to help people we care about, fix things, ease discomfort and find outcomes. Yet taking the hard away from someone often only alleviates the issue in the short term. When a similar challenge arises in the future, they may find themselves back in the same position. We step in again. They look to us again. Eventually one person becomes overburdened and resentful while the other becomes increasingly dependent on somebody else's perspective and problem-solving skills.The relationship becomes conditional.

And this is what coaching seeks to avoid.

A healthy coaching relationship is not built on the premise that the coach has the answers and the client does not. In fact, one of the most challenging aspects of coaching is sitting with the possibility that the client may arrive at an answer entirely different from the one you would choose for yourself.

The work is not about helping them think like you. It is about helping them think more deeply like themselves.

Clients will sometimes ask, "What would you do?" It sounds like an innocent question and often it is. They may be tired, overwhelmed or simply looking for reassurance that they are heading in the right direction. Yet hidden within that question is an invitation for the coach to step into a position of authority. If I tell you what I would do, my thinking suddenly becomes more important than yours. My judgement carries more weight. My experience starts to shape what happens next and the balance of power shifts.

I have recently read Brené Brown's book Strong Ground and in it she writes about power. She describes the difference between "power over" and "power with". "Power over" seeks to control, direct or define. It shapes the rules and determines what is considered acceptable. "Power with", on the other hand, is collaborative. It recognises the strengths, knowledge and humanity of everyone involved and seeks to create something together that would not exist independently.

For me, coaching belongs firmly in the realm of "power with".

The coach is not the expert on the client's life. The coach holds the space, asks the questions and brings the curiosity. The client brings their experiences, values, beliefs, fears, hopes and wisdom. Together they explore, make meaning and create the conditions in which new thinking can emerge.

When coaching works well, it doesn't create dependency on the coach. It strengthens what Brown calls "power within". The individual's sense of self-worth, self-knowledge and trust in their own capacity. They leave with more confidence in their ability to navigate future challenges, not because somebody has told them what to do but because they have had the experience of thinking things through, making decisions and choosing for themselves.

This is one of the reasons I often say that confidence is restored rather than installed. Confidence is uncovered when we begin to trust our own thinking. When we gather evidence that we can tolerate uncertainty, make decisions and respond to difficult situations without constantly outsourcing our judgement to somebody else.

Of course, none of this means that coaching is passive. A good coach challenges assumptions, notices patterns, asks difficult questions and gently shines a light into places that may have gone unexplored. Sometimes they will offer observations. Sometimes they will share frameworks or perspectives.

But there is a difference between offering a perspective and offering a prescription. One invites exploration, whilst the other risks closing it down.

Another idea from Brown's work that resonated with me is her description of "armour": the protective strategies, beliefs and behaviours we develop in an attempt to keep ourselves safe. Coaching often involves helping a client explore questions such as: "What armour is no longer serving me? What has become too heavy to carry? What is preventing me from growing into the person I want to be?" (Brown, B, 2025)

Yet I wonder if those same questions belong to the coach as well. What armour am I bringing into this conversation? What is driving my urge to rescue, advise or fix? What part of me wants to be the expert? What might I need to put down in order to become the coach I want to be?

Often, the temptation to advise is not always about the client. Sometimes it is about us and our desire to be useful. Or our desire to be 'right'. Our discomfort with uncertainty. Our wish to ease another person's pain.

An open notebook displaying a question mark, representing the reflective process of coaching

And perhaps this is where the idea of "power with" becomes most relevant. If coaching is truly collaborative, then I have to be willing to loosen my grip on being the person with the answers. I have to trust that the client's thinking is every bit as valuable as my own. The moment I become attached to being the expert, the fixer or the rescuer, I risk stepping out of "power with" and edging towards "power over". And I don't believe that means withholding support or pretending I have no experience to offer. It means remaining conscious of whose life is being discussed and whose thinking needs to take centre stage.

The goal is not for the client to leave believing in my wisdom, it's for them to leave believing in their own.

Perhaps part of becoming a better coach is learning to trust the process enough to resist the temptation to advise. To stay curious just a little longer and trust that the thinking in the room is actually the thing of power, whilst also trusting that the person sitting opposite is more capable than they currently believe.

The coach may never fully know the impact that their time has on an individual and perhaps that is exactly as it should be. The real measure of coaching is not whether a client follows our advice, it's whether they leave with a stronger connection to themselves than when they arrived.