TAKE UP SPACE* (*Ts & Cs Apply)
Updated: 4 days ago
On confidence, consequences and why a good mantra is only the beginning.
I recently shared a post on social media that said:
"Take up space with every curious, complicated, extraordinary part of yourself."
I love that sentiment, I really do. Particularly because it came off the back of a coaching conversation in which I watched a client come alive with joy as they spoke about something they felt genuinely passionate about. Their energy fizzed, their enthusiasm was deliciously infectious and there was something wonderful about seeing them so completely engaged in what they were saying. Sometimes confidence has as much to do with the spaces we find ourselves in as it does with how we feel about ourselves. Finding the right rooms, the right people and the right opportunities to express the parts of ourselves that make us feel most alive can make an extraordinary difference.
I believe wholeheartedly in showing up in the world as ourselves, with all our oddities, dualities, ambitions, vulnerabilities and wonderful messiness. I want people to feel seen and heard, to recognise their own value and to have the confidence to participate in life in ways that feel meaningful to them.
However, there's a thought that continues to weevil around my brain...
What happens when you actually do take up more space?
What happens when you start speaking up, setting boundaries, expressing opinions, asking for what you need or allowing yourself to be seen in ways you haven't before?
What happens when people don't like it? Let's face it...they might not. Perhaps someone has become very comfortable with the version of you who doesn't challenge things. Perhaps your relationships have been built around certain expectations of who you are and how you behave. Perhaps you've spent years being the agreeable one, the accommodating one, the one who doesn't make a fuss. What happens when you begin to behave differently?
Also, what happens internally? What if you find yourself grieving a version of you that, although limiting in some ways, also felt incredibly familiar and safe?
What if the thought of being more visible brings up such enormous fear that even contemplating it feels overwhelming?
What if you've spent your whole life believing that taking up space is selfish, arrogant, attention-seeking or somehow inappropriate? Suddenly, "just take up more space" doesn't seem quite so straightforward, does it?
PLATITUDE SCHMATITUDE
We're surrounded by encouragement. Cheerleading, fist-pumping, go-geddum platitudes. How many have you seen on your morning's Doom Scroll?
Take up space.
Give yourself permission to rest. ( may have said this one opnce or twice!)
Just be yourself.
Stop worrying what other people think.
Know your worth.
Lovely sentiments, and some of them genuinely powerful, but there's an awful lot wrapped up in those few words.
I've been guilty too, offering things like; "give yourself permission to rest". 100% believe in the importance of this. 100% understand the complexities of this.
What if someone has responsibilities that make rest incredibly difficult? What if their sense of worth is so closely connected to productivity that stopping brings on anxiety or guilt? What if resting means disappointing someone else? What if slowing down means confronting feelings they've been managing to keep at bay by staying busy?
What about "just be yourself". Who is that self? How much of what we believe about ourselves has been shaped by other people's expectations? What if someone isn't entirely sure who they are outside the roles they've occupied for years?
There's often a very real struggle sitting between hearing a piece of encouragement and being able to act on it and I would like to dedicate some time to acknowledge that.
GETTING YOUR MISS MARPLE ON
As a professional coach, I have a responsibility to understand the difference between encourabgement and support.
I would never want to sit opposite a client and simply tell them to "take up more space", "be more confident" or "stop caring what other people think". Aside from the fact that it's not my job to tell people how to live their lives, it overlooks the very experiences, beliefs and circumstances that might make those things so challenging.
My role is to get curious. Cue Miss Marple typewriting music. (Maybe you're too young for the reference? Image below for assistance.)
What does taking up space actually mean to this person? What might they gain? What might they risk? What are they frightened of? What has their experience taught them about being visible, expressing themselves or putting their own needs first? Plus, crucially, what happens if they try?
Change is always promoted but it can have repercussions. People may respond unfavourably, relationships may feel different, familiar patterns can be disrupted. We might discover that something we thought we desperately wanted feels surprisingly uncomfortable when we begin to experience it.
There can be huge grief in growth. There can be guilt in setting boundaries. There can be fear in becoming more visible, even when visibility is something we've longed for.
I think it's important that we make room for all of that.
A coaching conversation might uncover a belief that's been subconsciously influencing someone's choices for decades or help someone recognise why a particular situation feels threatening. It may bring to light that a seemingly small action requires an enormous amount of courage or reveal that the advice they've been trying so hard to follow doesn't actually fit their life, their values or their needs.
Sometimes the most useful realisation might be that they don't want to take up more space in the way they've been encouraged to and that they want something completely different!
THERE AIN'T NO MAGIC BEANS
I believe that any mantra, mechanism or practical approach has to make sense to the person using it. There's zero value in encouraging someone to repeat "I am confident" every morning if those words feel completely disconnected from their experience. For some people, affirmations are genuinely helpful but for others, they can feel uncomfortable, fraudulent or even highlight the distance between where they are and where they think they should be.
So...we explore.
Perhaps confidence for one person involves practicing how to speak up in a meeting. For another, it might involve understanding why they feel responsible for everybody else's happiness. Someone else might need to explore their relationship with rest, their fear of being judged or the beliefs they've developed about success and visibility.
There is no universal mechanism that works for everyone.
There are many, many, TOO MANY people who will try to sell you their magic beans, promising that their particular method, mantra or mindset is the answer to everything. Sadly, this simply cannot be true. We're too beautifully unique.
My work is about helping people develop awareness, explore possibilities and find approaches they can genuinely use. Sometimes that involves practical exercises using breath, body and voice. Sometimes it involves examining beliefs, recognising patterns, rehearsing difficult conversations or experimenting with small changes and reflecting on what happens.
Most importantly, we can also explore what support might be needed if those changes feel difficult or have unexpected consequences.
I want people to feel supported in making their own choices, rather than pressured into becoming somebody else's idea of confident.
AN INVITATION RATHER THAN INSTRUCTION
I'm often sharing messages on social media about confidence, rest, boundaries and, of course, taking up space.
For me, I see social media as a place to offer a moment of positivity, hope or curiosity in somebody's day. A sentence that might make someone stop scrolling for a second and think, "Oh, that's interesting. I wonder how I feel about that?" It's an invitation rather than an instruction.
When I say I want you to take up space with every curious, complicated, extraordinary part of yourself, I'm expressing something I genuinely believe and celebrate. I'm certainly not suggesting that you should march into work tomorrow, announce your newly discovered magnificence and expect everyone to applaud. (Although, please do feel free to.)
I'm inviting you to consider what those words mean to you. Do they feel exciting? Uncomfortable? Completely out of reach? Do they bring up memories of times when you've tried to be more visible and it hasn't gone particularly well? Do they make you wonder what might be possible if you felt a little safer expressing yourself? All of those responses are worth exploring.
Actually, maybe that's where the real value lies. Not necessarily in the words themselves, but in what they prompt us to notice.
Awareness restores choice.
It's a phrase I come back to (a lot!) in my coaching because I believe there's enormous value in understanding what influences the way we think, feel and behave. That understanding can give us more choice about what we do next.
MY POM POMS ARE HERE IF YOU'D LIKE THEM
I will continue to celebrate people taking up space. Bells, whistle, pom poms, the lot. I'll continue to promote rest, self-trust, expression and the wonderful, messy business of being human.
BUT I also want to celebrate the person who recognises that they're frightened. The person who is just beginning to question a long-held belief. The person who tries something new and discovers it wasn't quite right for them. The person who decides to move slowly because that's what feels manageable. The person who realises that the version of confidence they've been chasing isn't actually the one they want.
There is oodles of courage in all of that too.
As a coach, I'm interested in the space between the inspirational statement and the lived experience.
The questions, complications, discoveries and very human struggles that exist there, because it's all very well telling someone they can take up space but I'm way more interested in helping them explore what taking up space might look like, what it might cost, what it might give them and what they need to feel supported along the way.
If, through that exploration, they discover a little more freedom to be themselves, whatever that looks like for them, then that's something worth celebrating.
Pom poms at the ready!
A LITTLE 'YOU-SPACE' BEFORE CHRISTMAS?
If something in this blog has got you thinking, perhaps you'd like to explore it a little further. There are a couple of ways we can work together before the year is out.
1:1 Confidence & Communication Coaching
I work with adults and young people (12–18), offering a supportive space to explore whatever might be getting in the way of feeling more confident, connected or comfortable in themselves. We start with a free discovery call to get to know each other and see whether coaching feels like a good fit.
Rest + Ready | Wednesday 25th November
If slowing down feels like something you could do with a little more of, I'd love to welcome you to Rest + Ready. A 90-minute workshop to breathe, rest, reflect and restore, with guided practices, spoken word and a lovely community of fellow resters. A little time for yourself before the Christmas rush really takes hold.
£25 per person | Luna Wholebeing, Cheadle Hulme
You can find out more about working with me or book a free discovery call at www.core-you.com.
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